Third of November

Ok so im not picking up smoking or anything lmao I just have this thing with hands and fingers I love them. I am literally laughing to myself reading my previous post but what the hell my feelings have yet to change park jimin what on earth are you doing to me. On a nicer side of this whole situation im actually 0.5% done with my song yes i hope to finish it during the holidays slash payless internship period. Im whining to everyone about my payless internship I cant help it I am not looking forward to it I dont want it.

So it's November.

I have angsty feelings towards November since last year because my grandmother passed away on the first day of November and man November sucks, I had to think twice bout the capital N because November definitely don't deserve a capital N but it's not your fault November, i guess. I have came to realize that death of a loved one really sticks to you and it is painful, well not really painful, at first it is but now I guess I dont know what this emotion thing is called, melancholy? but with an obvious cause. It just creeps up on you sometimes and thugs at your heart vessels, and you feel it constricting and somehow it triggers your tear ducts as well, and it's been a year and I thought I really wouldn't cry anymore but lmao such a sucker, I would still cry at the thought of her and I really don't want to cry anymore but there's this hollowness and tears have been proving that they can do a good job filling it up. Grandma is the first person close to me, that I loved, I lost and I have came to a conclusion that I would never want to lose another love one because I dont know how hollow one's heart can get before one just dissappears into nothingness, becoming the hollowness itself and I don't think I will ever get used to the death of people I love, but it's not for me to say and I can't control it I can't control when a person die or anything and hold up my ability to use commas instead of full stops amazes me. Anyways right so I've been trying to be like nice to people wait I'm always nice just how to say like I won't let us part ways before I'm sure that we are on good terms. okay I don't know how to say it but like I dont want to say goodbye, eventhough we are going to meet in the next day or next hour because anything could happen (cliche af) but true, and what if the person I care for actually poof gone dead in that few hours or minutes and I dont want our last moment to be complete shit and filled with anger and words I'm 9012481% sure I don't mean and regret. So yeah I've been trying, but I dont really feel much anger these days, I don't really feel much anger in my life really, I guess I really dont have the energy, and anger takes up a lot. The last moment I had with grandma was nothing like anger or even happy it's just sad, sad but sweet but sour is what i taste on tongue everytime i think about it, I don't know if I wrote it here before I'm pretty positive I did, like I was rubbing her tummy and she asked me to stop because I have been on it for a while and I guess she didn't want me to get tired or really she just had enough of me lmao but that's like our last moment together, and the last time she spoke to me too.


This has been long, so many words, I've always wanted to post something, because I feel like I think about stuff way too much and that I should think about studying too , every single time I'm like I have to blog today to type out whats in my brain but every single time I was too lazy haha. Today this is the last thing I should be doing tbh because I'm in the middle of finals, and science communication paper tomorrow and I am not done with the studying but here I am finally not too lazy to blog, because I've found another thing to be even more lazy about.


I read a lot of fanfiction these days, probably not the healthiest thing to do but there are really really good fanfiction out there and I don't know how can people write so beautifully, how can they build phrases build story build a world with mere words, it's like they have a pocket full of vocabularies and they sprinkle it with fairy dusts and jumble them all together, make them make sense, make them go on a journey, to play at your heart strings. I have read some really good ones ok some had me crying like uglyly, is it even a word, but yeah uglyly. Fanfiction as in male x male fanfiction as in yes for example jimin is in love with his groupmate kind of fanfiction, gay fanfiction. Don't judge they are nice like I have came across some phrases that I have a strong urge to want to highlight them because too beautiful too piece of art too genius. However, I don't read all pairings, I only read those with the pairings I like, because some of the pairings are nope , I don't see the relationship . lmao I talk as though the ones I read are actually going to happen.


Oh another thing thats been on my mind is how scary feelings are like how fast can it change. ok so here comes kpop again like a lil because it's my example gdi. My first kpop group is bigbang and I still love them a lot like I pour my money and soul on them, but with limitations and self restriction seeing that I didn't invest a full on 800 bucks for their concert. Not the point, ok so after bigbang I came across infinite, mind you after bigbang i was like im not getting into another kpop group ever again but that went well because I started to really like infinite because of dongwoo. Dongwoo is undeniably still very much perfect and i think its been 3 years now , and I kinda dont love Dongwoo they way I love Dongwoo 3 years ago and it is really scary. So I've mentioned in my jimin post that this was one of my fear, like this fear can be up there in my fear list ok, I am scared that my feelings for jimin lmao here we go again is going to change and that scares me shitless. Ok so idk why my feelings towards bigbang did not really change I think it's because I started off as respect and a lot of adoration like I didnt go full on fangirl mode i wanna marry you taeyang. But I dont think I have ever full on fangirl mode I wanna marry you to anyone. So yeah , I don't really get it, I think mainly because I dont like infinite's music that much anymore these days. But yeah, feelings are weird, and I just cant feel the same way when I look at dongwoo again and that sucks I almost feel sorry for him but then he does not need me anyway lmao yeah it really scares me that someone that I used to fall head over heels over, thinks that he is the most perfect brightest star ever can just stop shining in my eyes oh god it went on a lil too cheesily didnt it ahaha. Oh and I saw a post on tumblr I think a person said something similar and I'm like holy shit i am not the only one. Ok side note I think they just broke up or something and they said that its scary that one day you can be so in love and another yal can yell at each other and how one sec she gets called beautiful with ratchet hair and face and what not and the next sec she can be the ugliest person in his eyes or something like that.


Ok this is getting waaay to long? I gotta lunch and study. Before I go, Bieber is back and this I dont understand too because I dont know why I still very much love him how many years have it been I think it's 6 years man haha amazing and im so glad he's back to rise and snatch up his throne because I still feel he deserves this more than those snarky comments and shit people throw at him, He did awful things yeah sure who is filthy rich and famous and young didn't really, but I dont really care what he does its not like i actually know him or anything as long as he keep the good music up yes thank you bieber.


Oh and before I go because god knows when I will be back, I am getting a tattoo next year yay, probs for birthday present. I can't wait and I hope I don't chicken out because of the pain and I hope I can find a good tattoo artist around here. Ok so I was planning on getting it this year but nah parents are against it maybe because of too short of a notice? I don't know but they said ok to next year so yea. Im almost surprise they said yes because they think that everyone with a tattoo robs people for a living and lives the nastiest lives but I guess they realized I didn't really had to ask them because it's my body and I can do whatever, I just don't have the money to do the whatever. haha. So I'm thinking about moon because thats my grandma's chinese name and probs the phases of moon to have like a double meaning thing. we'll see how alright.

Getting Lost

I like to do really aimless stuff or more accurately I really want to do really aimless stuff. Like driving to anywhere anytime and just get lost. Getting lost and not worry about how to get home or anything is one thing I want to try before I get really old and blind. Haha.  But life's not that aimless sometimes or maybe anytime now. But if I dont do it now aka young coughs tho I feel 50 physically, when do I do these stuff. .. Hmm one day maybe.

Amd its been too long since my last concert and I feel very dead but people dont come to malaysia and I am sad. Can you believe I missed bigbang twice haha nice right.

Def the freedom and weather I miss most in aus. Wherever I go now dad thinks im gonna get kidnap. Sighs. Why world.. .. ... ...

Hah

Remember how I said I don't want Jimin in my last post HAH lieS LIES  I want him bad. So bad. I bet yal knew even lol amazing. Yes I contradict myself so much 24/7 I'm amused. Ok right after this I'm enrolling self into a mental hospital. GOOd bye. I feel like I have to type it all out so I won't be having such strong feelings anymore lmao fingers crossed it'll work. Alicia's fangirling struggle. Jimin plEASE get a girlfriend so my struggle would end.Pleas e. Ok and I'm well aware that 60% of my playlist is sensual af but yal cant deny the R&B goodness ok just embrace them thanks trey chris drake party next door the weeknd pleasE keep making music bless.

Too much

This place / blog saves my life. I kinda come up here when there's too much on my mind and when I have to vomit those too much out. Utterly grateful to this blog and of course when I feel like it's time to change my playlist. I am so into The Weeknd these days I'm about to spell the weekend wrongly,permanently, plus I have been really loving bangtan. With bangtan I've been there since their debut but with their recent comeback, man have I fell in love, with Jimin. Jimin man he be making me wanna write a song for him. I don't know if I would really do it but I would love to because I am having really strong feelings towards him these days i think I'm going crazy, like I want it to go away but at the same time kinda scared for this feeling to go away. This feeling makes my heart flutters which don't happen often, not this kind.You must say at this point there goes alicia again doing her fangirling thing well I guess I can't blame you because that is what it is actually. Fangirling, though not a fan of the word, but i guess thats the only word that describes huh, he's the dude who presents himself out to 91824791264 people and I am just not more than one of the 91824791264,but he brings me happiness so much happiness at the moment and I love his voice I love the way he moves I love his falsettos I love his smile I love how i would swear sexy he is . Shit I think it's time to send me to a mental hospital, istg this is as unhealthy as everything sounds haha. Man like if I'm seriously writing about my feelings towards him on this blog right now, I'm positively sure I'm halfway past crazy. He is so far away literally and non literally , its almost impossible and when I think of it, there's this thing that does it's thing to my heart. man I need to wake up but I don't want to , he's such a beautiful dream, I can't believe I'm writing this man, what have I become, I bet he gets letters like these every single day from fangirls saying how they love him how he brightens up their days and shit I don't  know if I love him well I say I love him damn I say I love so many people man love itself is so broad, love itself defines itself. It's not even like I want to date him or shit lol I don't know if yal believe this but I have no intention of having him as a boyfriend, like he deserves so much better and everything more. I'm having goosebumps typing all these out I am amazed with myself. Yal know yal in too deep when you get butterflies just by thinking of the person man and thats exactly me right now with Jimin, I don't know how he does it, or how I've gotten this far or maybe it's actually time for me to get a real REAL boyfriend. With Jimin it's like I don't even know him personally I just see him on the screen I have no idea how the hell can I have such strong feelings, I don't know if these feelings are towards him or the character that he portrays or the idea of him or I don't even know, what if he is completely opposite of what he is on screen, and I'm just telling myself that I know him well enough by all the stuff I see on screen because it feels real, but really who am I to tell if it's real or nah, I just end up believing what I want to, as what we all do, or more accurately I guess I'm hoping it's all real, that thats actually him , not a character, not an idea, just him. Sometimes I wonder if I would really hate him if I've known him personally. Look how long has this been and I'm not even sure if I'm done is this the time someone just comes and slap the shit out of me so I would wake up. I want to write more at the same time feeling the tired as well.

But since we talked about boyfriend a lil up there and how boyfriendless i am now or since 1995, technically not a sin or a disadvantage or how I really want a boyfriend now but stuff once in a while comes up on tumblr or in a song (when 90% of songs are about love it makes you wonder man), you can't help but think, or maybe just me. When I was scrolling through tumblr today i saw this post and quote:

"I hope you fall in love with someone who always texts back and never lets you fall asleep thinking you’re unwanted. I hope you fall in love with someone who holds your hand during the scary parts of horror movies and burns cookies with you when you’re too busy dancing around the kitchen. I hope you fall in love with someone who sees galaxies in your eyes and hears music in your heartbeats. I hope you fall in love with someone who tickles you and makes you smile on hard days and on easy ones. But beyond all I hope that you fall in love with someone who will never leave you behind and who will never take you for granted, someone who will stand by you when you’re right and will stand by you when you’re wrong. Someone who has seen your worst and has loved you still. I hope you fall in love with someone who kisses you in the rain and hugs you on cold winter days and wouldn’t have you any other way."

Cheesy but still thank you I hope so too, because I feel like we all hope so too even a little in us , why am I talking for the whole nation haha if you're not then right man cool you do you. You know how some people say you gotta love yourself first before someone else could love you but why is one person unworthy of love just because they don't have enough self love/ self esteem/ confidence in themselves? Can't they both slowly love the person together, wouldn't it be the solution to all the doubts, when someone else is taking the doubts off from yourself instead of you keep trying so hard to lift them off yourself. And to those who say they don't need a boyfriend or girlfriend or basically another person to make them happy I wonder if it really so because I believe everyone craves love ya feel? I don't think I'm one of those person whos strongly against the whole boyfriend thing, heck I am not even close to be against it, I think it is beautiful. I just kinda like to go with the flow, but as I grow older aka 20 now woah, and have never been in love you would have thoughts you know, like will I die without the experience of being in love. As a believer of "everything happens for a reason" and "it will happen when it happens" I don't have any intentions to rush things to be honest, I don't even know a lot of people or really outgoing or breathtakingly beautiful or extremely excellent in any kind of way, so I don't expect anything hahaha, or truth to be told expecting a lil something while saying i don't expect anything. Nah but I know myself I stay in my lane hahahaha. Yeah so just been wondering how does falling in love feels like listening to all these love songs heartbreak songs and all these shows as they describe it sometimes really cute and sweet and beautiful and everything someone could imagine and more to heartbreakingly painful, but I feel like falling in love is something essential in life like everyone should get to experience being in love or being loved regardless of how it ends. Forreals, I don't think you should be thinking about how something ends without starting or halfway through, thats just........bad, man.


I think I've wrote too much in one night haha, but this is my blog, and I represent myself not the world not the whole human population so everything said or written in here is purely based on my personal thoughts and just what I'm feeling at the moment so if you ain't feeling it, you ain't feeling it man we cool ,let's have ice cream together.

I'm gonna be putting a picture of Jimin on top man im yeah.......


Till next time, if you're not sick of me yet.

First day.

Here I am blogging on my phone at 1 am of 2.1.15. New year. Just another new day. Tho I must say im pretty excited bout 2015.

I didnt want to blog because I dont have the mobile blogger thing and I have to wake up early for work tomorrow. But as I lay here I realize im extrenely picky with people. Or thats what I think. Its actually rather hard for me to get close to people because I tend to flee when I feel like we don't click. Which explains how little friends I have. But I love them all and its amazing how great we clicked. Each and everyone one of them.

When I meet someone new I guess im friendly haha much confidence but as we talk and as I get to know you, if I somehow figure we wont click I literally back off,before we get any close,like I dont even know why.

I really miss my puchong friends and its soooooo hard to meet im dying. But first day of 2015 well spent with tmnt squad. I dont even know how we got this close,but im so amused and grateful. We just naturakly came together and I hope we last a long way.

Some of the photos we took today. Picture credits not mine of course.


Another thing I realize, technically quite long ago but just mentioning it now. Is that I don't need a lot of friends or clothes or branded stuff or a pretty face or a hella thin frame or a boyfriend. I just want to be happy. And let fate/nature do its thing. Because I strongly believe in fate heh. And I dont like forcing/hurrying into stuff or caring too much in those that I dont care. Hah I have no idea how to explain. But you get the point. Or nah. I am happy now with life and have been since pretty long ago and I love it and hope for it to be forever,which I have adequate amount of faith in.

I love people that give off good vibes and hope to bring good vibes to people as well. I have to mention this again but im absolutely thankful for all the people in my life. Still sticking by my side. Ill be by yours too. Lets live happily.

So I am writing this while choosing songs to put on here. I love this part. I have work tomorrow, it is twelve in the morning and I have so much on my mind lately I feel like I should revive this blog. Till' I come on here and typing actual shit I get sooooo lazy and don't feel like writing them anymore. Amazing.

Heading for Australia in less than 2 months?! Yes this is insane and this is actually happening. Going as an exchange student for only 6 months but I am hella hyped. I hope I didn't overestimate myself on this. I hope Australia makes me love it as much as I hope I would. I hope I meet new people, a lot of new people. I used to think i don't like people that much,which is rather still true,that explains why I don't go out every other night, I like the people that I like. However, I've grown to be really fascinated by people, by the way they act, by the kind and by the not-so. I've gotten myself out there since I got into uni I do stuff rather independently now I go to places alone now and the people that I've encountered are beyond sweet and I'm starting to really like people even the not so sweet ones. Another thing I am trying really hard not to judge people but i caught myself doing it unconsciously sometimes and wonder if it's human nature but anyways I am still working on it.

I am sooo into Kehlani lately she bout to be my main bae. She is so precious.

Yes hello this is a warning things get a lil more depressing over this one.
Do people actually get over deaths because if they do i must be doing it wrong because I don't think I can ever get over grandma's death like I miss her so much. Well its not those hardcore depression prone kind but it literally felt like she took a lil chunk of my heart with her like i actually feel the emptiness of the lil chunk and I was hoping it will kinda grow back like maybe it would pull some mitosis shit but its been 50 days and still no sign of that. The whole ritual is shady af and who for sure know what happen after death I literally have so many questions but I just really hope she is actually in a better place and is happy right now tho I would never know. I guess I just really need her existence and I kinda did not prepare self to go through people leaving me when I should. Its kinda funny how i thought that everyone would live longer than me hah.
I tried to recall what was the last thing she said to me and Im pretty sure she said "ok its enough,kar wai" in cantonese of course. Literally no one would call me kar wai in cantonese like she did anymore and I really need that.  So the story behind that was me rubbing her tummy for the air to get out or something like that, and it's been a while plus I was standing by her hospital bed,so i guess she thinks that I am tired so she asked me to stop.