So it's November.
I have angsty feelings towards November since last year because my grandmother passed away on the first day of November and man November sucks, I had to think twice bout the capital N because November definitely don't deserve a capital N but it's not your fault November, i guess. I have came to realize that death of a loved one really sticks to you and it is painful, well not really painful, at first it is but now I guess I dont know what this emotion thing is called, melancholy? but with an obvious cause. It just creeps up on you sometimes and thugs at your heart vessels, and you feel it constricting and somehow it triggers your tear ducts as well, and it's been a year and I thought I really wouldn't cry anymore but lmao such a sucker, I would still cry at the thought of her and I really don't want to cry anymore but there's this hollowness and tears have been proving that they can do a good job filling it up. Grandma is the first person close to me, that I loved, I lost and I have came to a conclusion that I would never want to lose another love one because I dont know how hollow one's heart can get before one just dissappears into nothingness, becoming the hollowness itself and I don't think I will ever get used to the death of people I love, but it's not for me to say and I can't control it I can't control when a person die or anything and hold up my ability to use commas instead of full stops amazes me. Anyways right so I've been trying to be like nice to people wait I'm always nice just how to say like I won't let us part ways before I'm sure that we are on good terms. okay I don't know how to say it but like I dont want to say goodbye, eventhough we are going to meet in the next day or next hour because anything could happen (cliche af) but true, and what if the person I care for actually poof gone dead in that few hours or minutes and I dont want our last moment to be complete shit and filled with anger and words I'm 9012481% sure I don't mean and regret. So yeah I've been trying, but I dont really feel much anger these days, I don't really feel much anger in my life really, I guess I really dont have the energy, and anger takes up a lot. The last moment I had with grandma was nothing like anger or even happy it's just sad, sad but sweet but sour is what i taste on tongue everytime i think about it, I don't know if I wrote it here before I'm pretty positive I did, like I was rubbing her tummy and she asked me to stop because I have been on it for a while and I guess she didn't want me to get tired or really she just had enough of me lmao but that's like our last moment together, and the last time she spoke to me too.
This has been long, so many words, I've always wanted to post something, because I feel like I think about stuff way too much and that I should think about studying too , every single time I'm like I have to blog today to type out whats in my brain but every single time I was too lazy haha. Today this is the last thing I should be doing tbh because I'm in the middle of finals, and science communication paper tomorrow and I am not done with the studying but here I am finally not too lazy to blog, because I've found another thing to be even more lazy about.
I read a lot of fanfiction these days, probably not the healthiest thing to do but there are really really good fanfiction out there and I don't know how can people write so beautifully, how can they build phrases build story build a world with mere words, it's like they have a pocket full of vocabularies and they sprinkle it with fairy dusts and jumble them all together, make them make sense, make them go on a journey, to play at your heart strings. I have read some really good ones ok some had me crying like uglyly, is it even a word, but yeah uglyly. Fanfiction as in male x male fanfiction as in yes for example jimin is in love with his groupmate kind of fanfiction, gay fanfiction. Don't judge they are nice like I have came across some phrases that I have a strong urge to want to highlight them because too beautiful too piece of art too genius. However, I don't read all pairings, I only read those with the pairings I like, because some of the pairings are nope , I don't see the relationship . lmao I talk as though the ones I read are actually going to happen.
Oh another thing thats been on my mind is how scary feelings are like how fast can it change. ok so here comes kpop again like a lil because it's my example gdi. My first kpop group is bigbang and I still love them a lot like I pour my money and soul on them, but with limitations and self restriction seeing that I didn't invest a full on 800 bucks for their concert. Not the point, ok so after bigbang I came across infinite, mind you after bigbang i was like im not getting into another kpop group ever again but that went well because I started to really like infinite because of dongwoo. Dongwoo is undeniably still very much perfect and i think its been 3 years now , and I kinda dont love Dongwoo they way I love Dongwoo 3 years ago and it is really scary. So I've mentioned in my jimin post that this was one of my fear, like this fear can be up there in my fear list ok, I am scared that my feelings for jimin lmao here we go again is going to change and that scares me shitless. Ok so idk why my feelings towards bigbang did not really change I think it's because I started off as respect and a lot of adoration like I didnt go full on fangirl mode i wanna marry you taeyang. But I dont think I have ever full on fangirl mode I wanna marry you to anyone. So yeah , I don't really get it, I think mainly because I dont like infinite's music that much anymore these days. But yeah, feelings are weird, and I just cant feel the same way when I look at dongwoo again and that sucks I almost feel sorry for him but then he does not need me anyway lmao yeah it really scares me that someone that I used to fall head over heels over, thinks that he is the most perfect brightest star ever can just stop shining in my eyes oh god it went on a lil too cheesily didnt it ahaha. Oh and I saw a post on tumblr I think a person said something similar and I'm like holy shit i am not the only one. Ok side note I think they just broke up or something and they said that its scary that one day you can be so in love and another yal can yell at each other and how one sec she gets called beautiful with ratchet hair and face and what not and the next sec she can be the ugliest person in his eyes or something like that.
Ok this is getting waaay to long? I gotta lunch and study. Before I go, Bieber is back and this I dont understand too because I dont know why I still very much love him how many years have it been I think it's 6 years man haha amazing and im so glad he's back to rise and snatch up his throne because I still feel he deserves this more than those snarky comments and shit people throw at him, He did awful things yeah sure who is filthy rich and famous and young didn't really, but I dont really care what he does its not like i actually know him or anything as long as he keep the good music up yes thank you bieber.
Oh and before I go because god knows when I will be back, I am getting a tattoo next year yay, probs for birthday present. I can't wait and I hope I don't chicken out because of the pain and I hope I can find a good tattoo artist around here. Ok so I was planning on getting it this year but nah parents are against it maybe because of too short of a notice? I don't know but they said ok to next year so yea. Im almost surprise they said yes because they think that everyone with a tattoo robs people for a living and lives the nastiest lives but I guess they realized I didn't really had to ask them because it's my body and I can do whatever, I just don't have the money to do the whatever. haha. So I'm thinking about moon because thats my grandma's chinese name and probs the phases of moon to have like a double meaning thing. we'll see how alright.
